An old chair in the orchard | The Chaplaincy of Poitou Charentes

I found myself feeling dissatisfied the other day. These habits of thought and soul are difficult to catch aren’t they? – because they can be so much part of us. It’s hard to stand back far enough to notice them. I was dissatisfied with the Zoom calls I was making, and not enjoying the various elements of the day. And then an image came to mind. It was as though I was being offered a gift (this particular day in all its uniqueness) and my ungrateful response was, ‘it’s not exactly what I had in mind...’

In that famous verse from I Thessalonians we are encouraged to ‘rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.’ (5.18) Sometimes I really don’t want to do that! I hug to myself a feeling of being hard done by and choose dissatisfaction rather than life. I think I need to change a habit of thinking. 

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) has been very successful in recent years in helping people with conditions such as anxiety and depression. The focus is on changing habits of thought so that behaviours can also change. This is brilliant! It is also true that Christianity got there first. Metanoia, which we often translate as repentance, is literally the changing of the mind. It is a complete reorientation of mind and heart, through the grace of God, so that we are focused on Christ and his Kingdom. 

In World War Two around Europe thousands of children were hungry, orphaned and homeless. The lucky ones were placed in refugee camps. But many of those traumatised children found it hard to sleep at night. They would find it hard to get to sleep or would wake up in the grip of a nightmare. At last somebody thought of giving each child a piece of bread to hold in their hand at bedtime. For many children this was what they needed to sleep in peace. They could trust that their would be food to eat in the future. They were quite literally holding onto what gave them life. 

As an antidote to dissatisfaction and the many negative ways of thinking which we can find ourselves attached to, we can hold onto what gives us life in all its fulness. The prayer practice of ‘examen’ used to centre on an examination of conscience, which usually meant discovering what a miserable sinner you were! These days the practice at the end of the day is much more about thanksgiving. A new habit of holding onto what gives you life, and giving thanks for it, as those children held onto a chunk of bread at bedtime. 

I have found myself a spot in our orchard. It’s in the middle of the hedge, and I’ve put an old chair in there. This is where I go quite often in the evening. I try to go through the details of the day. To accept what has happened and what has not happened. To accept that it wasn’t perfect. To give thanks for people I’ve been with, either in Zoom world or fully present with them. I attempt to give thanks for the day. It’s like trying out a new habit.